Oh, you need the rules? Adorable. Fine, pay attention — I’m only explaining this once, hotshot.

DRIVE Tap ◀ and ▶ to steer the boat. Rocks, logs and buoys are not your friends — kiss one and it costs you a whole life. Yes, they’re big. Yes, you’ll still hit them.

RESCUE Scoop up every chicken bobbing in the river. Each feathery little nugget is worth $1,000,000. That is a million dollars. Per chicken. Try not to drool on the controls.

HAWKS Jerks with wings will dive at you from the sky. Smack one with the THROW button to launch a chicken at it… but heads up, genius: that chicken you chuck was worth −$1,000,000. So every hawk you splat costs you a cool million. Dodge or pay up. Your call, big spender.

JUMP Hit JUMP (or ▲/Space) to hop over trouble. Find a ramp and you’ll launch way higher — and a trail of money bags (+$250,000 each) appears in the air. Steer into them while you’re flying to grab the loot. Very cool, very show-off, please don’t miss the landing.

CHUCK ALL The big finale: CHUCK ALL dumps every chicken you’re hoarding, capsizes the boat in a glorious sinking spectacle, and cashes you out for a flat $10,000,000 jackpot… and then your run is over. Yes, the boat goes down with all hands. Tragic. Lucrative. Use it when you’re feeling brave (or about to die anyway).

LIVES You get 5 lives. That’s five. Not schwifty-five. Spend them like they matter, because apparently nobody taught you that earlier.

LOOT Grab the random bonus pickups floating by for some extra pocket change. Won’t make you a millionaire, like your hot-shot big-boy-boyfriend, but every little bit soothes the ego.

That’s it. Go rescue some chickens and try not to embarrass yourself out there. I believe in you. Mostly.